16 things Anxiety taught Me

While at war with your own demons, would you have ever thought it was a good feeling and it was the teacher to your life? That will unlock the power in you and bring you to where you are called to be? If I were to turn back and think of my mindset several years ago when I was faced with the heaviest battle I ever experienced, I wouldn't even have a clue. However, we start somewhere. Learn somewhere. Gain somewhere, and become something. So here's my experience with Anxiety what it taught me and I hope it can teach you too with what ever challenges you are facing at the moment.

I woke up one summer day in June 2018 and my life drastically changed. I felt my blood circulating up and down from the tip of my toes all the way up to the tip of my head that left my hands numb and my entire body freezing cold. My heart began beating fast and I started feeling weaker by the bit. I rushed to the hospital not knowing what was happening to me. It began happening more than once and left me in panic attacks. From that day on, my life never looked the same. Everything turned gray then everything turned black. I couldn't see what was ahead of me. I felt trapped and claustrophobic. I felt my life disappear within a blink of an eye. I was at the lowest point of my life. For the first time in a very long time, I wasn't able to find my light.

My mental health took a massive toll on my life. I suffered severe anxiety over the past few years. I never knew anyone who had anxiety nor did I ever hear the word. When the doctor told me I have had an anxiety/panic attack, I was confused about what that even was. I then learned that everybody has anxiety, some sort of it. Some experience it on a different level compared to others. When it starts to interfere with their life, they can't function and don't have the ability to do their daily tasks. Which was what happened to me. Almost every day I would have a panic attack. No matter where I was or what I was doing. Everything I did made me feel uncomfortable and disturbed. I started having intense insomnia, and nightmares. My brain felt like it was on fire with all the strange intrusive thoughts that wired in my head making me feel dizzy. I refused to go eat at restaurants, go to the movie theatres, be in large busy crowds or sit in a car because I felt extremely claustrophobic and I feel like I can't move. I lost my ability to function in driving, going out in public, watching movies/tv, reading a book, and listening to music. My appetite was decreasing and I lost a large amount of weight. I couldn't even get dressed, I felt like a complete zombie and I lost interest in seeing and communicating with friends. I was afraid to go back to work or even work in general. I just wanted to be alone but at the same time, I was afraid to be alone.

For the longest time, I didn't know where this problem came from. Why am I even experiencing all of this? Why I am the way I am all of a sudden and what happened to me. What happened to my life. I wanted the old me back. I often thought a lot about what have I done for me to deserve such pain. I didn't know how to be happy and if I could go back and think about what was on my mind during those days was how badly I wanted to be saved and how mentally ill I was. How deeply tortured I felt in my soul and how I felt like I was rotting as the day goes by. I felt like I was looking at the world from a dark room through a glass window. I can see everyone, but can anyone see me? Can I even see myself? Every single day, I cried myself to sleep and I cried myself awake. I was so angry with what was happening to my life and I questioned God every single day, "What is wrong with me?" and "Why am I not normal?". I wanted answers and I wanted them immediately. I was extremely impatient and angry. I couldn't wait to be healed. However, I didn't know how that would happen if there would ever even be a chance for me to just live and be at peace.

If you are here wondering why I am writing about mental health, it is because I finally feel that I have a voice; to open and share my side of my healing journey. I came across seeing and hearing many going through mental health that inspired me so much to share my story with others who may be going through the same thing that may need some light. Whether you or know someone who is dealing with it or depression, addiction, loss of a loved one, anger, breakup, lost in life, whatever that is, WE ALL go through difficult times and anything that we go through will always teach us and leave us meaningful and powerful messages if we allow our pain to reveal the truth to us.

After years of searching for a cure and after realizing that I cannot rely on my doctor, the hospital, my parents, my siblings, my partner and even therapists to save me, I gave up everything and surrendered to God. If I could drop anything to save my life I would do it within the second. And so I decided to change my life. I quit anything that would enhance anxiety; caffeine and alcohol, and now has been 4 years since I've been sober. I found God and got baptized. I dug down deep into my heart and soul and cleansed through my own energy work; praying, meditating, visualizations and mindful work. When I surrendered, I learned so many beautiful things about life and now gives me the purpose to go beyond, live, learn and be my truest self.

Finding a cure for anxiety, I've learned 3 main things:

1. The only way out of your problems is to go through them.

2. As uncomfortable as much as it is when you are in a panic attack, don't panic. Stay calm and take deep breaths and tell yourself that you are safe. You are fine. This feeling will pass. Then figure out what triggered your emotions to lead to that panic attack and then find a way through it with ease and gentleness to overcome that trigger.

3. Ask your pain what it wants from you or what it wants you to know. I do this in my prayers or during my meditation. Sometimes my answer rises immediately or I see it through a sign. Meditate on where the root cause of your stress is coming from and then find an approach to cleanse it out from your body.

So fast forward to the day I gave up on fighting anxiety and surrendered, these are 16 things Anxiety taught me:

1) FORGIVE - This one is the key to healing. Think about all those who hurt you or maybe those that you hurt and forgive them. But most importantly YOU! I learned not to hold a grudge against anybody, only wishing them well and moving forward. Having grudges and hatred can make you ill. You may think that forgiving those that hurt you will make them freer than you, but actually, you are freer and at peace. Let it go now and ask God, the higher power, or whoever, whatever it is that you believe in, to help you through this process.

2) GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELPS THEMSELVES- Sometimes it doesn't take one prayer to make changes. It takes action along with it to make changes. During my dark days, I cried and sought out to God to help me fight anxiety because my life depended on it. I would lay in bed covered under my blanket and wish this nightmare will just disappear, but I didn't know how it would go away. I thought that it will just magically somehow disappear but anxiety, or fear, doesn't. In time you just learn how to approach it and not let it control your life anymore. Moving through it with ease. When you ask for help, it requires making the move and getting up taking action to achieve the result you want. I couldn't do anything for the longest time. Everything made me feel uncomfortable, uneasy and antsy. One day I decided to go for a run, after that run, I felt relieved and began to do it daily. Then I started adding kickboxing to my self-care list. From that day on I did kickboxing every single day for 1.5 months until I got pregnant with my second child. I began reading self-help books and writing out my feelings. I became so close with God that I made the decision to get baptized and change my life. I finally made the decision to see a therapist. I started to make changes in my life and quit all the things that would make anxiety worse. I started to go out and see friends. I started to work on myself, get dolled up, do my hair, dress up, and take pictures of myself to embrace who I am in the moment. When you start to help yourself to be a better person, you will start feeling better inside and out. The moment you decide to seek change, change will come and meet you where you are. God truly helps those who put in action. Sometimes the sign and the help you've been wanting is already right in front of you. Opportunities for growth and change come in many different forms, and most of the time it comes in forms we never imagined they'd appear to be.

3) LIFE IS TOO SHORT- I've had a few very close friends and family to me who have passed away at such a young age. The losses have affected me so much that it opened another part of light in my life. For me to understand that there is more to what we see and feel. That there is further meaning beyond us. Life is too short for us to sit back and wait to feel a certain way to live our life. How long do we live? Time is precious and it will always bring me to think of how precious the moment is and how I shut the world out at one point in my life because I wanted to avoid getting a panic attack. I learned to focus on "today" not yesterday not tomorrow but "today" and what I can do to have peace and joy in the day. Every day I am still learning and I'm learning every day to take a step closer to what I love doing and live my life to the fullest. I may not be where I want to be, but I am forever beyond grateful for all the hard inner work I put into that brought me here today.

4) FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU LOVE & WANT YOU WANT- 10 years ago, if I wanted to do something or when I had feelings for someone, I never was indeed myself because I was shy. When I'm shy, I'm not too much of myself, and that is another part of my fear. I get uncomfortable in a lot of situations if I'm feeling shy or embarrassed. When it comes to job interviews, making new friends, centre of attention, or switching careers I feared rejection, judgement, criticizing, unworthy and failure. When it comes to feelings for a man, I pull myself back and I wait for him to make the move, hoping that something would turn out. If it doesn't, no matter how much I want it to, I would bottle in my feelings, move on like nothing happened but inside I'm burning. I spent 2 full years away from the world and my truest self, discovering this about me. When I realized how many beautiful moments and time I lost of not going after what I love and desire, Anxiety taught me to be my truest self and keep fighting for my better days. For the reason that if I'm going to be going through hell, I might as well make it fun and enjoy this ride!! I thought all about the possibilities that I could be doing if it wasn't for fear holding me back. I'm not saying that I have zero fear, I do have fear but I learned how to cope with it and approach it differently than I did before. Now it opened a pathway for me to go beyond. Open my heart and say what I want to say. Live my life and do what I love.

5) SURRENDER (PATIENCE & FAITH) - Sometimes, God doesn't give us what we want until we are ready. And He knows when we are ready, more than we know it ourselves. When you surrender, you are prepared to let the Universe take control, and you don't look back. Your faith has to be greater than your fears for surrendering to work in your life. Then you must have the patience without getting angry and worried to truly feel in your heart that you are guided. Surrendering was extremely tough for me; to hand over all my problems to God and trust that I would be okay when I didn't feel safe and okay at all. After praying to God to help me surrender, by allowing Him to lead my life and guide my day and practicing my affirmations every day, I learned how powerful surrendering is. My heart began to be more open and receptive. I learned to let things be because I know that God's got it. He saved me before and I know I will always be saved.

6) LAYERS TO RECOVERY- I believe that through the years of recovering, we go through stages of healing. It's like a layer on us peeling off as we grow and learn each day. Inside is the core, our soul. It's the part we have to make peace with. As each layer continues to fall off, we finally get to know ourselves better, we become stronger and we make room for more growth as life goes on.

7) ALIGN WITH PASSION & PURPOSE- If it weren't for anxiety, I wouldn't have found my passion leading me to my purpose. When I thought it broke me for the worse, light came through the cracks and formed a path for me to follow. I finally feel that I know myself a lot more and better than I ever had before. I've always been artistic, but I never thought of pursuing anything in it. Until I went through hell, I started connecting with my inner child and doing more arts and crafts. Whenever I create, I feel my heart is at home. Then I started creating and using my emotions to paint, write, and capture what I feel. This pathway lead me to a place in my life where being a creator in some form of art is where I belong. I also began feeling more expressive and connected to people, anxiety made me become more open and social. Something about being a part of speaking about feelings and emotions brings me closer to what I am called to do and I hope to continue inspiring others out there to find their inner self, find their spirituality and find meaning in their suffering.

8) STOP GETTING MAD & UPSET OVER LITTLE THINGS- It's okay to feel upset over something but letting it consume your energy, destroying your life will eat away your peace. Little things don't get to me anymore. Yes, I'm human and we all get hurt but I have learned to not let minor things destroy my energy and my time is too precious and valuable to waste on things that won't get me anywhere.

9) BAD THINGS HAPPEN FOR GREAT REASONS- It happens for your own good. If it wasn't for anxiety I wouldn't have all these words to even say. And I am so grateful and blessed for the pain God put me through. God wanted me to succeed and be extremely uncomfortable for me to be who I am today. To find my voice, to find myself, and to embrace hard times. I used to want the old me back, but I'm loving the new person I birthed into. I fought hard and long to be her and I wouldn't change anything for who I've become.

10) THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU- I was the QUEEN of asking this question. "What is wrong with me?" and "Why am I not normal?" The more I kept saying this the more wrong there was in my life. The further I felt away from being who I want to be. Words are powerful. So are our thoughts. Everything that happens to us in life, there is nothing wrong with who we are while we are dealing with it. "What is wrong with me" is a common phrase we all use. Sometimes as a joke, and it's okay. However, when in a serious and sensitive time, it's good to remind yourself that you're going to get better and things are in alignment for you.

11) SPIRITUAL AWAKENING- I grew up in a Christian family and my parents always talked about God to me and my siblings. I never felt connected to God at a level where I was at a dead-end of my life; no other choice but to seek further and beyond for a deeper meaning. I always prayed since I was a little girl. However, not anything like this. Where I came down on my knees, prayed multiple times a day and meditated to hear God speak to me. As this started progressing, I strongly felt a shift in my energy. Since I was young, I've always been sensitive and I can feel things around me. But I never knew why I was able to so I shoved it aside and didn't want to bother. As I hit rock bottom, it was as if this darkness activated everything I was. This awakening lead me to a place of a deeper understanding about myself, my deep connection with mother nature, God, and the people around me.

12) GIVE- Have you ever walked somewhere and a homeless person asked for some spare change? Or when someone you know is asking for help whether it's to watch their kid, advice, borrow some money, give them a ride, or whatever that is? But you feel so helpless because you are barely holding onto yourself that you can't even help someone else? There is a saying that said, "help yourself first before you help others". I agree. However, there are times when we help others even when we are hurting, it truly helps us heal and grow. I learned that when you give it doesn't have to be anything physical, but giving your time, complimenting a stranger, or checking up on a loved one is already greatly appreciated. There have been many times I gave even when I had nothing to. I was hurting so much going through my own problems but I still, lend a hand to a friend and showed them that I care. Go out of my way to let them know that they are not alone. Giving away money to others even when I didn't have enough for myself. I want to share with you one significant time from a stranger that I would never forget. It was the summer of 2021. My partner, our kids and I were standing in line on a hot busy day at playland waiting in line to purchase a ticket. There was a friendly man in front of us with a little girl. We small talk about how hot the weather was and wondered how long we would have to wait until we reach the front. As we approached closer to the cashier, this sweet, genuine man offers to pay for us. My partner and I were shocked. It was so unusual for a stranger to pay for another stranger, a whole family. He insisted and offered and wanted us to have a great time. It was the most genuine and kindest moment I knew right away it was a sign from God. Giving is an act of kindness. When you give out to others it comes back to you in a way where to me, it fills up your cup twice as more when you emptied it out for others. And it truly goes a long way when it comes from your heart. It is truly a blessing.

13) LOVE- I didn't love my life when anxiety struck in. I didn't know how to love anything. I wasn't even sure if I loved myself then. Then when I trained myself to love my pain, I began to see the beautiful things life has to offer me. It was as if the curtains lifted up and I was able to see what was hiding behind those curtains the whole time. Loving your pain and yourself at the same time is extremely difficult to even wonder how that is even possible. However, when I was learning to embrace anxiety and practiced my affirmation every day it helped me to discover love and strength. When I started to love anxiety, I loved myself more. It made me feel more beautiful inside and out. I look forward to making myself feel pretty by putting on my favourite clothes, doing my favourite kind of makeup looks and styling my hair. I look forward to meditate every time I have a moment to myself. I look forward to writing in my diary and I look forward to spending time alone. When I built a deep relationship with God, I started to feel more confident. I feel beautiful and loved by me and the Universe. I've decided to make use of my pain and turn it into beauty. Practicing self-care and self-love is so important. It truly helps us become more connected with who we are, what we are and who we want to be.

You are beautiful just the way you are and just where you are. I know that going through difficult times we can feel like we lost our identity, and we lose motivation to even make ourselves feel good, internally and externally. But I truly think that when we make ourselves feel good from within, we spark something outside of ourselves and our surroundings. The quote "You attract what You are" is so powerful. So whatever energy you are putting out is what you're getting.

14) YOUR PAIN MAY LIVE WITH YOU BUT DON'T LET IT LIVE IN YOU- In the beginning, it's easy to let everything that hurt us live in our minds. Fear steals our happiness and pulls us back from living the life we deserve to. With mental pain, it follows us wherever we go until we do some inner cleansing and learn to live with it in peace. I allowed anxiety to control my life, it was so hard to not let it. But I was still learning. To this day I am still learning. When I decided to be the boss of anxiety, things shifted. When you overcome one problem, another one comes through. Life is like a problem-solving cycle. However, it's the outside of us that these problems live but don't let it live inside you that it consumes your energy and vibes that you can no longer live your life anymore. Find the beauty in every day.

15) IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT & NO YOU DON'T DESERVE IT- Anything that happens to you, don't blame yourself, that you deserved it or that you are being punished. My life crushed down to the floor in hell that I didn't understand what did I do wrong in this lifetime for me to deserve such pain and misery. I began to question God, "Why me or anyone?" I thought I did something wrong because I didn't know where anxiety came from and why I changed. (I will share my story on a different post). As I began to accept anxiety, I began to understand why I was brought such darkness. It was to pave a pathway for me to find myself, my values and lead me to my purpose. So what ever it is that you are dealing with, you don't deserve the pain. You deserve to be happy and you are worthy to be happy. You deserve to know the authentic beauty of yourself and there's a part of you that's meant for more so you had to go through this to find the key to your true calling.

16) DON'T WAIT FOR BAD TIMES TO BE OVER TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE- I will tell you that you are totally missing out if you were waiting for something good to happen then you'll be happy. Be happy anyway. Celebrate life. Celebrate YOU. Enjoy life anyways even if things aren't turning out the way you want. Everyone has their own struggles and challenges. It doesn't matter what their status is; how much money they have, what car they drive, what house they live in, how big or small their support system is, how good looking they are, how good their relationship is, how fit they are, how many friends they have, how many followers on Instagram they have, everyone, has problems. Their own demons they're battling with in silence. Even celebrities go through hard times. I used to scroll through my social media. I would see my friend's and sisters' posts. Or I'd hear their conversations. They all seem like they are having so much fun. Going to work like every other day, starting a new job, meeting a new friend, planning to jump on a new business idea, going boating enjoying the summer, going out with friends having a blast, travelling the world, enjoying life, etc. I will tell you how left out I felt. Not left out by them but left out by life. I was so deeply hurt and wounded. Every drop of tears that slid down my cheeks left me wondering when life would feel like life again. I would wish, I would really wish that I was able to do that too. I would wish that I didn't have anxiety pulling me to go back and stay in bed because I was afraid I would have a panic attack. I would tell myself I will go enjoy life when I don't have anxiety anymore. And I am telling you, I missed out so much. I didn't know then. I didn't know how I was going to enjoy life. This pain sucked the life and everything else out of me.

Then one day something sparked in my energy. I began to enjoy my own life on my own time.

I want to share a magical moment of mine with you, the day I decided to change my perspective and live my life in my time. I went to Hawaii a few years ago and my partner said he wanted to go on a helicopter to tour the city. If this was me 6 - 10 years ago, I would have definitely said no because I am terrified of heights. So, fast forward to this day that I'm given the chance, the opportunity to see beautiful Hawaii from above, do something bizarre and cool in my life that I've never done before, when will I ever get this chance again? Do I want to still live in fear, be the same me or change my life and discover the unknown?

As we approached the helicopter, I was offered to sit in the front seat with the pilot and my partner was at the back. I almost choked on my spit and now this made me want to just leave right now right then. We also went with doors open too so which made this experience even scarier. As the helicopter took off, the entire experience was beyond breathtaking. I self-reflected during my experience and breathed in the view, praying for a change in my life. In the front seat, you get the entire full view. Let me tell you, how beautiful this experience was. How beautiful it is when you make the decision to be in the front seat of your fear. One of the most memorable moments of my life. After this helicopter ride, this was when my decision became clear and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I'm not going to wait for something to happen for me to enjoy my life anymore. I am going to live in it now, celebrating it now because I deserve it. YOU deserve it. Instead of wishing my life can be like others, I started living my life and doing what I love doing. Every day I practiced it. Yes, I hated it so much. I feel absolutely uncomfortable and I just wanted to fall down and faint but I just know that life doesn't end here. We are all meant for more. So whatever it is that you are waiting for to happen to be happy, be happy anyways! Stop counting and just lose track a bit to see the exciting things in life! That's where all the beautiful things are. Things will come through because God's got it!

And that is it, the main16 things Anxiety, the ultimate fear in my life taught me. I hope that these words find you in your times of sadness, loneliness, darkness and times of suffering in silence or through your healing phase. I hope that you enjoyed reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it because it took me so much pain, tears and prayers to be here today and definitely took me a lot of courage to be transparent, to share the most vulnerable part of me.

I believe that once or more times in our lives we will not okay and it is okay to feel that way.

I believe that when we learn to make a difference within ourselves, we can help others do as well.

I believe that the path I was called to walk in this lifetime, the friend I lost that left a footprint on my heart triggered this pain for me to go through, was meant for me to be here to send my story to you.

Remember that it's okay to admit your weaknesses and share your emotions and feelings with those you feel closest to.

And remember to allow, accept and acknowledge how you are feeling. It will bring you to the other side of knowing your true self.

I really hope this inspires you or someone you know to get help, live life and be fearless regardless of what situation you or they are in.

Please leave a comment and share this post if this resonates with you! I'd love to hear your thoughts =)

And remember that GOD IS REAL. ALWAYS WAS AND WILL ALWAYS BE

Stay in Faith, Stay Connected, and Stay in Tune. God Heals <3

Love and Light,