Well, the title itself steals away the whole meaning. Chaotic & Exhausting! So, where do I start about this? My brain feels wired and foggy—every day.
Life at this point feels FULL - Double equals double trouble, extra work, no recharge, multi-task.... and the list goes on.
I struggled a lot with house chores, cooking, having a moment to myself, hoping to drink a hot cup of tea that turns into a cold cup of tea, showering, toileting...etc.
I always saw myself having more children, but I didn't think I would have my second soon. I was still adjusting my life with my son; he was ten months old when I conceived.
When Dan and I found out we were expecting our second child; we were both speechless. It was time for another ride. I cried happy tears, thanking God for gifting me another baby, although I was not ready at all, but when are we ready though? We told all of our close friends and family. Somehow it seemed more shocking to find out the second pregnancy more than the first. I guess because our son was still a baby, and we were bringing in another one already.
During my pregnancy, I was getting super emotional about having another baby and that it won't be my son and me anymore. I was so used to just having him. I couldn't fully wrap around my head yet that I was pregnant again because it felt like it was just yesterday that I was. I would often look at him when he's playing or sleeping, and I'll start crying. I felt so bad for even feeling like that when I should be excited, which of course I was, but looking at my baby boy, who still is a baby, just saddened my heart. I wish I could tell my son, "You have a little sister, and she's going to be here very soon!" so that he would be aware and not in sudden surprise.
Fast forward to the day Violet was born, I was at the hospital for two nights, and Kyvan was at home with my family. It was the hardest being away from him and adapting to this new little bundle in my arms.
The day I brought my daughter home, everything felt so different. I had to cope with a fragile newborn and a naughty baby boy. From there, it wasn't easy as I had in mind, but I knew it would be a heck of a ride. Although I had help from Dan's aunt, who was living here with us at the time, I still felt like the pressure was on. Of course, I am the Mother, but it's that feeling. "Okay. (Breathing heavily) 2 kids now. What's next?".
I was going through a lot of anxiety before I even knew about Violet. Bringing her home and beginning the newborn cycle again brought more tension and tightness to my chest. However, the days with the two little ones were a lot about bonding, adjusting, learning, and the list goes on.
Everything was very sudden and happened so fast for me.
My days are always in a hurry, super rushed and sometimes I don't even know where my head was at. For the longest time, I forgot to take care of myself. Well, I really had no time. But I try my best to keep myself in check and find the things I love to do.
At this point, postpartum depression and anxiety came in and hit me hard. My days were spinning non-stop.
As the year has gone by, I'm quite glad I had these two back to back. Aside from the fighting with each other every single day, they keep each other company and the sibling bond they have is more than I can ever imagine. I think the challenging part about having two in such close in age is the amount of energy consumed out of me, they take turns doing everything and I was running back and forth.
I think there is no right or wrong with having babies back to back. Or have more than one, two, three or more. I say as long as you have the support system, why not. Kids are crazy, they make us lose our minds but they also keep us in check!
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